Bro(empty)ken
I thought it was fate
Because I had just lost so much
And then you came around –
[Me, vulnerable
You, strong]
Telling me you had the key
To unlock the beauty inside of me.
Instead you broke the lock
And unleashed your terror inside of me.
(I reached out
Thinking someone could save me,
But you were in control,
And help was just an illusion.)
So I cried,
And ached,
And died.
And then I died some more.
But no one can imagine
What this feels like.
A burning in my chest,
A visceral wrenching.
It's numbness in my fingers,
In my toes,
In my mind –
A mind that is always racing,
Running,
Scurrying,
Scrambling,
Trying to pick up the pieces
And fighting the demons that scratch and beat and pound
Against the insides of my skull.
I'm praying to fill the need,
To fix this hole inside of me.
This insatiable hunger buries me
(I'm trapped in filth and scratching at the walls
Begging just to get one taste
Dying just to get back to you.)
14 comments:
If I was writing this, I would want to tell the readers what the terror is that you are talking about. It's kind of confusing to the reader what it is exactly that this person did. I really like the title though, I think that it reflects the poem. There are so many brackets and everything in it that it kind of brings it all together. You had alot of imadry and feeling, and you could feel the hurt that this person felt. I really liked it.
I think that if i was doing this poem, I would have done the poem that reflects the words. You just have so many great things that you can actually visualize with the word here that it would be really cool to see the word. Separating the word broke and others would just enhance the meaning of the poem.
Jackie C :)
I really like it :D (but omg sadness.) I think it's perfect except this one part:
Telling me you had the key
To unlock the beauty inside of me.
The fact that this one part rhymes threw things off for me. but other wise it's really epicly awesome.
It's so awesome that I don't really think I'd want to change anything. The only thing was that the diction was slightly inconsistent. At the end of the poem you're using bigger words while the beginning was using shorter almost choppier. It works well with what you might be trying to say, but it was just something that drew my eye after a second time reading it.
This is very good. However, I would’ve made it longer to go into even greater detail on her feelings. This way, it would be easier to get into the character’s mind and relate to them. I would also break up the lines differently to create more drama and slow down the flow. I like the title, because it basicly sums up the whole poem. Overall…very good
I really like your poem!! I like how there are parts in parentheses and parts that are visually seperated. Even though it is kind of depressing, I liked the passionate and truthful feeling that the poem gave off. It seemed very innocent and helped me visualize what type of character's point of view this is. I don't think I would really change much. I would probably only be a bit more specific about the events that are actually happening.
great job =]
I really like this, and I like the vagueness of it; it makes you think. Is the addiction someone or something? What is the terror you're talking about? I just really liked this, I don't have much to criticize here... this piece is just very passionate and I LOVE the brackets, the 'truth' in your mind. I love it, even though it's really depressing.
I really liked the poem that you wrote. I thought it was good that you combined all six prompts into one. If I had to change something, I would probably try to make it clearer. At times, it was confusing to read. However, this made the reader think, which is great. I probably wouldn't change anything else. There were great visual aspects and strong words to really describe the writer's feelings.
~Shannon~
i like that i have no idea what this person, thing, whichever did to you to put you in pain. its mysterious...i like it a lot. only suggestion isss make it longer. Id put more emphasis on the pain and the demons. allin all though, good job teach!
-chris mcgoo
Your poem is really amazing. The use of shape helps to throw in a chilling effect, which I really admire since I cannot do that well. I think that if I had wrote it, I would have deleted the just in the second line. I think it would allow for a more poweful statement, as if it had always been there. Other then that, I think it is perfect.
the way you shaped out the poem was a little akward. i think theres too many ideas all put into their own paragraphs which makes it hard to see the main idea of the poem. the word choice seemed unconsistent.
I loved how the reader doesn't know exactly what is tearing you apart because it leaves it up to the reader to decide and helps make the poem relatable to the reader and helps him think of how he could have something like this in his life as well. I think what ever you were trying to portray could be seen as a universal poem.
It makes the reader earn for that something to ease the pain.
I like that even in the end you didn't reveal what you were writing about. I like how you have parts of your writing in paranthesis, it's more creative and catchy. The words you chose to describe her pain were perfect. I honsetly dont have anything to critize about this piece.
i really enjoyed this. I like how i don't know what this terror is and what you do to get back at him.The poem is very creative and makes me intrested into wanting to read it. The only thing i would of changed is to know what you did at the end to show how much you got back at him. I really like how you seperated lines and put everything together though, really good job!
I really like this piece because it was interesting and the reader had to read over it again to find the real meaning. The title was catchy and brought the whole piece together. Just by looking over the title it lured me in to wanting to read it because it was creative and had meaning.
If i was to change anything i would break the lines at different times, and for the parenthesis i would leave them but have some of them less wordy)
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